this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
