Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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