So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
