used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
