I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
