on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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