He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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