so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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