How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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