yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
