I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
