ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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