...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
