I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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