im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
