the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
