I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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