the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Dignity is for republicans.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
