The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
