I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
