Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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