Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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