i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
