He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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