he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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