My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
