Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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