So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
