Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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