Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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