and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
