i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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