Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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