Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
