I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
