Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
