Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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