either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
