i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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