well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
