drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Randomize
