the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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