I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
