the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
