i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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