So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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