I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
