dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
