I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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