my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
