I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Randomize
