a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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